Monday, October 17, 2005
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Why I Fired My Secretary
Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, >all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat... on the couch... naked.
As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday."
And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, >all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat... on the couch... naked.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Friday, September 30, 2005
The Straight Dope: Is it dangerous to jump start a dead battery? (Especially the way most guys do it?)
The Straight Dope: Is it dangerous to jump start a dead battery? (Especially the way most guys do it?):
"Some nontrivial number of people gets injured by exploding car batteries each year. Doesn't that mean you should follow the seven pages of instructions in the manual despite what the boys think? For insight I called up the service manager for a car dealership. Did he know the correct procedures? He sure did. Did he and his crew follow them? They sure didn't. His main beef was that if you attached the last clamp to some remote point on the body of the dead car, you didn't deliver enough juice to crank the engine. My excuse for ignoring the procedure is similar: You often don't get a good connection due to crud on the terminals, so you have to jiggle the clamps, most of which are unavoidably on battery terminals, till you see sparks. Is this a dangerous, stupid, typically guylike thing to do? Yeah. But nine times out of ten we'll be able to start your car."
"Some nontrivial number of people gets injured by exploding car batteries each year. Doesn't that mean you should follow the seven pages of instructions in the manual despite what the boys think? For insight I called up the service manager for a car dealership. Did he know the correct procedures? He sure did. Did he and his crew follow them? They sure didn't. His main beef was that if you attached the last clamp to some remote point on the body of the dead car, you didn't deliver enough juice to crank the engine. My excuse for ignoring the procedure is similar: You often don't get a good connection due to crud on the terminals, so you have to jiggle the clamps, most of which are unavoidably on battery terminals, till you see sparks. Is this a dangerous, stupid, typically guylike thing to do? Yeah. But nine times out of ten we'll be able to start your car."
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
What Should I Read Next?
Enter a book you like and their database
of real readers' recommendations will suggest something.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
No Fishing
I find this sign hilarious, because as you can see in the next post (above) the Santa Cruz River is bone dry for most of the year.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Trivia for Herbie: Fully Loaded (2005)
Trivia for Herbie: Fully Loaded (2005): "The beginning of the movie is a montage of scenes from previous Herbie movies; The Love Bug (1968) has the most scenes taken from it, followed by Herbie Goes To Monte Carlo (1977), Herbie Rides Again (1974), and Herbie Goes Bananas (1980)."
Friday, September 23, 2005
The Straight Dope: Did the Corinthians ever write back?
The Straight Dope: Did the Corinthians ever write back?: "Dear Cecil:
Did the Corinthians ever write back? --Mary and Ted, Chicago
Cecil replies:
How many times do I have to tell you people? You write the questions, _I'll_ write the jokes.
HOWEVER, NOW THAT YOU BRING IT UP ...
Dear Cecil:
Of course the Corinthians wrote back. Internal evidence shows that what we call 'I Corinthians' is at least Paul's second letter--cf. I Cor. 5:9ff., which refers to a previous effort, evidently largely misunderstood. Scholars think that II Cor. 6:14- 7:1, patently an insertion that interrupts the flow of Paul's thought, may well be a fragment of this lost 'first letter.'
More to the point, some scholars have theorized (admittedly in an attempt to save Paul from some of the epistle's more sexist attitudes) that much of I Corinthians is Paul's quoting of a Corinthian letter, with his own reply appended. The mention of 'reports' in I Cor. 5:1 hints at this. The best example is chapter 14, where vv. 33b-35 represent 'quoting' from the Corinthian letter and vv. 36-40 are Paul's liberal reply. Take it for what it's worth. --David T., M.A. (Oxon.), Montgomery, Alabama
Cecil replies:
This is very interesting, David. But I'll bet Mary and Ted, the ones who asked whether the Corinthians ever wrote back, are glad they didn't pop their little joke on YOU.
--CECIL ADAMS"
Did the Corinthians ever write back? --Mary and Ted, Chicago
Cecil replies:
How many times do I have to tell you people? You write the questions, _I'll_ write the jokes.
HOWEVER, NOW THAT YOU BRING IT UP ...
Dear Cecil:
Of course the Corinthians wrote back. Internal evidence shows that what we call 'I Corinthians' is at least Paul's second letter--cf. I Cor. 5:9ff., which refers to a previous effort, evidently largely misunderstood. Scholars think that II Cor. 6:14- 7:1, patently an insertion that interrupts the flow of Paul's thought, may well be a fragment of this lost 'first letter.'
More to the point, some scholars have theorized (admittedly in an attempt to save Paul from some of the epistle's more sexist attitudes) that much of I Corinthians is Paul's quoting of a Corinthian letter, with his own reply appended. The mention of 'reports' in I Cor. 5:1 hints at this. The best example is chapter 14, where vv. 33b-35 represent 'quoting' from the Corinthian letter and vv. 36-40 are Paul's liberal reply. Take it for what it's worth. --David T., M.A. (Oxon.), Montgomery, Alabama
Cecil replies:
This is very interesting, David. But I'll bet Mary and Ted, the ones who asked whether the Corinthians ever wrote back, are glad they didn't pop their little joke on YOU.
--CECIL ADAMS"
Friday, September 09, 2005
Katrina Emergency Timeline
from Snopes.com: "# According to the St. Petersberg Times, Max Mayfield of the National Hurricane Center contacted government officials in Louisiana and Mississippi on Saturday night (27 August), not Friday night.
# According to the New Orleans Time-Picayune, President Bush's first communication with Louisiana governor Kathleen Blanco occurred on Sunday morning (August 28), just before a 9:30 AM press conference called by Governor Blanco and Mayor Nagin to announce the latter's mandatory evacuation order for New Orleans.
# On Friday (26 August), Governor Blanco did indeed declare a state of emergency for the state of Louisiana in advance of Katrina's making landfall in the Gulf Coast.
# On Saturday (27 August), Governor Blanco asked President Bush to declare a state of emergency at the federal level for the state of Louisiana.
# The White House responded to Governor Blanco's request that same day (Saturday) by declaring the emergency and authorizing FEMA 'to identify, mobilize, and provide at its discretion, equipment and resources necessary to alleviate the impacts of the emergency.'"
# According to the New Orleans Time-Picayune, President Bush's first communication with Louisiana governor Kathleen Blanco occurred on Sunday morning (August 28), just before a 9:30 AM press conference called by Governor Blanco and Mayor Nagin to announce the latter's mandatory evacuation order for New Orleans.
# On Friday (26 August), Governor Blanco did indeed declare a state of emergency for the state of Louisiana in advance of Katrina's making landfall in the Gulf Coast.
# On Saturday (27 August), Governor Blanco asked President Bush to declare a state of emergency at the federal level for the state of Louisiana.
# The White House responded to Governor Blanco's request that same day (Saturday) by declaring the emergency and authorizing FEMA 'to identify, mobilize, and provide at its discretion, equipment and resources necessary to alleviate the impacts of the emergency.'"
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Hurricane Katrina: Complete Coverage
Hurricane Katrina: Complete Coverage: "Hurricane Katrina: Complete Coverage"
Louisiana's Wetlands @ National Geographic Magazine
Louisiana's Wetlands @ National Geographic Magazine: "'Restoration is not trying to make the coast look like a map of 1956,' explains Reed. 'That's not even possible. The goal is to restore healthy natural processes, then live with what you get.' "
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